


Better In The Dark

by emmerrr



Series: Only Fools Rush In [3]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, just don't think too closely about all the details, mentioned Blue/Gansey - Freeform, mostly at least I think?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 21:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11540670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmerrr/pseuds/emmerrr
Summary: Adam has an impromptu sleepover at Monmouth and is forced into confronting something he might not be ready to confront.





	Better In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> every time I write something TRC related, I think it'll be the last time. and then I randomly get hit by pynch feels and long story short, here, have this thing I wrote. also I suck at summaries I'm sorry :(

In retrospect, Adam knew he shouldn’t have bothered stopping by Monmouth on his way back to St. Agnes from work. But he’d needed to pick up his History notes that he’d lent to Gansey, and then he’d walked in to see Gansey bright and smiling from his spot cross-legged on the floor, exclaiming, “Adam!” in such a manner that you’d think it had been weeks and not hours since he’d seen him last. Ronan had seized Noah in a headlock but both had stilled when Adam made his entrance.

“Adam, help me!” Noah wailed mournfully.

“Shut it,” Ronan said, resuming the rough-housing. “I’ll throw you out the window again.”

“You wouldn’t _dare_ ,” Noah retorted.

Ronan let out a delighted cackle and started dragging Noah off to his room. “Wanna fuckin' bet?”

They disappeared, and over the ensuing sounds of struggle, Gansey turned back to Adam, beaming. “How was work? Sit down, sit down. We have left-over pizza.”

“I’m fine, Gansey,” Adam said, the familiar argument already there in his head. No hand-outs.

“Well, it’s there if you want it,” Gansey said easily. “We’re all stuffed, it’ll only go to waste otherwise.”

And so Adam _did_ have some pizza, because waste-not.

And then he stayed long after Gansey had returned his notes, because now that he’d sat down it seemed harder to get back up, and the sofa was comfy, and despite the high ceilings Monmouth was somehow warmer than St. Agnes, and because Adam sort of didn’t want to be alone.

He enjoyed watching Ronan and Noah tussle and play-fight, until Noah flickered out with a surprised, “Oh!”, and the mood understandably dropped.

“That’s happening more and more lately,” Gansey said sadly.

“He’s a fucking ghost. He’s supposed to do creepy shit like that,” Ronan said forcefully.

It seemed to work though, because Gansey shook himself out of it. “Well, time for bed anyway, I suppose.”

Adam hoisted himself to his feet, a painstakingly slow movement thanks to how stiff he was feeling after school and then two jobs. “I’ll leave you to it,” he said.

“Come on, Adam, it’s late. Just stay,” Gansey said, a pleading look to his eyes.

“It’s not like it’ll take me long to get home, I’ve got my car.”

Ronan snorted. “Yeah, if the shitbox even starts. It’s less reliable than the Pig.”

Adam was about to snarl a tired retort but Ronan bulled on, refusing to let him get his argument out. “C’mon, Parrish, I’ve got an airbed. You can sleep on my floor, I sleep on yours often enough.”

And Adam was — fuck — he was _tired_ , and he didn’t want to argue, not even with Ronan. And it was one night; they hadn’t asked him to move in.

So he stayed.

 

***

 

Adam was rushed into waking at a little past 2am by a push from Cabeswater. Immediately alert, he pushed back, trying to figure out what was happening. What Cabeswater wanted, or needed.

Nothing, apparently. It went quiet in his mind. Not gone; he could still feel it humming through his veins, but it seemed relatively content for now. So Adam was now up for what appeared to be no good reason, which was just perfect when he had yet another early start in only a few short hours.

Now awake, however, he became aware of just how thirsty he was, throat dry and aching, and he thought perhaps that was why Cabeswater had woken him. Reminding him to stay hydrated. And Adam appreciated it, sort of, but thought he’d probably appreciate it more in the waking hours. Nevertheless, he got up and padded to the door in a silence that came from practiced ease. His hand was halfway to the door-handle when he heard the muffled ringing of Gansey’s phone from somewhere within the expanse of Monmouth Manufacturing, and he was about to hurry out and silence it, not wanting it to wake either Gansey or Ronan, neither of whom slept well to begin with.

He didn’t have to worry in the end, as the phone cut off after barely a second ring and the low-timbre of Gansey’s voice replaced it, obviously already awake. Adam wondered if he’d been adding more to his model Henrietta.

Adam couldn’t hear what Gansey was saying but he knew intrinsically from his tone, from how quickly he’d picked up, like he’d been expecting the call, that it was Blue he was talking to. Of course it was Blue, really. Who _else_ would call Gansey in the middle of the night when Ronan and Adam were already here?

It wasn’t a long phone-call. Gansey stopped speaking after a few seconds and Adam heard him shuffle around for a couple of minutes, and then recognised the sound of the door being carefully shut as Gansey made his way out. Off to see Blue. In the dead of night. Obviously.

Adam didn’t even register that he was still standing with his hand outstretched towards Ronan’s bedroom door until he heard Ronan say, “Adam?” and he whirled around in surprise, lowering his hand.

Ronan was perched up on his elbows, his sheet starting to slide down his bare chest, and the look on his face said that he had heard the muffled secret phone-call as well, and the lack of surprise seemed to imply that this was potentially a regular occurrence. Ronan’s expression as he regarded Adam was knowing, which sent a flicker of irritation down Adam’s spine. Adam wondered how long Ronan had been watching him; how pathetic he must look in Ronan’s eyes, paralysed at the door while his best friend and sort of ex-girlfriend carried out a relationship in secret. He looked almost tentative, as if he was unsure as to Adam’s reaction and therefore unsure how to proceed. It irked Adam but he quickly swallowed it down, because Ronan really wasn’t the problem for once. He was just the only one _here_.

“What does it say about me,” Adam said slowly, “that they can’t even bring themselves to tell me the truth?”

Ronan sat up fully in his bed and slid backwards until his back was pressed against the headboard, and he rubbed his hand against the bristles of his hair. Absently, Adam wanted to do the same. It looked therapeutic.

Finally, Ronan let out a long breath. “I think it says more about them than it does about you.”

Adam shook his head and crossed the room, sitting on the end of Ronan’s bed. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“It’s not just you, Parrish. They haven’t told _anyone_ about it. I fucking live with Gansey, I’ve heard the secret phone-calls before.” He shrugged. “He still hasn’t told me. He thinks I don’t know.”

“But it’s like—” Adam broke off, frustrated, searching for the words. “Do they really think I can’t see it? Of course I can see it, I’m not blind. I wish they would just _tell_ me.”

“Parrish,” Ronan sighed, then shrugged again. “They probably just don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Abruptly, Adam wanted to backpedal out of the conversation. Like he’d said, he wasn’t blind, and if he’d noticed Gansey and Blue exchanging lingering looks then he’d _certainly_ noticed Ronan’s eyes on him. Fuck, he currently had the hand-lotion Ronan dreamt up for him sitting in his fucking glove-compartment. He knew Ronan’s misplaced affections lay squarely with him, a fact that was simultaneously thrilling and terrifying.

Ronan was not a thing to be played with, to be experimented on.

Yet here was Adam, complaining about Gansey and Blue to Ronan, who definitely didn’t want to hear it. But it wasn’t even for the reasons Ronan probably thought, and Adam was overcome with the need to explain himself.

“I get that, I guess,” he said. “But me and Blue, it just. . . it never really went anywhere, y’know? We weren’t properly even together, it was never like, _official_.” He scratched the back of his head awkwardly, looking around the room. Anywhere but at Ronan. “We never even kissed. And then it was over, and it was. . . fine. We’re friends.”

In his periphery, Adam noticed how Ronan’s posture changed when Adam said he and Blue hadn’t kissed. His attention snagged on Adam’s face, and Adam turned to meet his gaze.

“If my feelings are hurt,” Adam continued, “it’s over being kept in the dark. It’s over not being trusted to react well. It’s not about. . . whatever it is between them.”

“Isn’t it?” Ronan quirked an eyebrow. “You’re not jealous?”

It felt like a loaded question with a lot riding on the answer. Adam didn’t want to lie. “I dunno. Maybe a little?” He laughed a little self-deprecatingly. “I mean, I’m not even surprised. It’s _Gansey_. Of course Blue likes him better.”

Ronan rolled his eyes mightily. “Is this a pity-party for one, or is anyone invited?”

Adam laughed properly this time, and shoved at Ronan’s shoulder. “Fuck off, Lynch.”

“Seriously, Parrish, Blue liking Gansey isn’t a reflection on you. I don’t think you can really compare yourself like that. Everyone sees people differently. And anyway, Gansey looks at Blue like she hung the fucking moon, and I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but. . .” he trailed off.

“But?” Adam prompted.

Ronan shrugged, yet again. “You never looked at her like that.”

Adam opened his mouth on a response but closed it again just as quickly, because it was hard to know just what to say to that. He had been attracted to Blue — still was, really — and had definitely liked her in a romantic sense. He understood what that felt like and knew that he’d felt it with Blue. But he’d also been affection starved, touch starved, and the attention he’d received from Blue hadn’t just been wanted, but Adam really thought he’d _needed_ it.

But again, the more he thought about the Gansey and Blue situation, the more apparent it was that it wasn’t necessarily their relationship as such that upset him. It was just the secrecy it was shrouded in. They were supposed to be honest with each other; Gansey had said so himself, way back when Blue came on her first Glendower outing in the helicopter.

“Maybe not,” Adam allowed after realising he’d gone too long without saying anything.

Ronan cracked a smile. “Hey, at least this way you don’t have to pretend you like Blue’s lampshade dresses.”

“I _like_ how Blue dresses. It’s quirky.”

“'Quirky’ is just a nicer way of saying ‘weird’,” Ronan said with a scoff.

Adam snorted a helpless little laugh. “Yeah, sorry we can’t all be as normal as you walking around with your pet raven perched on your shoulder, wearing all black even in the middle of fucking summer, pulling shit out of your dreams. But yeah, sure. _Blue’s_ the weird one.”

“Parrish, she lives in a house full of psychics. Of course she’s the weird one.”

Adam was still laughing, and he gasped out, “You are such an ass.”

Ronan raised his eyebrows as if to say _Who, me?_   but he was smiling too and looked inordinately pleased at having made Adam laugh. It warmed Adam, somewhere inside. He felt so much lighter than he had not even ten minutes ago.

He was also suddenly aware of how close he and Ronan were now sitting. Without realising it, Adam had shifted further up the bed — Ronan making room for him perhaps just as unconsciously — and now they were leaning into one another's space, hands perilously close together on Ronan’s mattress.

Ronan seemed to pick up on the proximity at the same time as Adam did, and his eyes widened just a little; it wouldn’t have been noticeable if Adam wasn’t so damn close. He was suddenly overcome with the urge to say something, outright. To tell Ronan that he knew how he felt. Because Ronan didn’t lie, and maybe Adam just wanted him to _admit_ it. He already knew anyway. Or he was at least pretty sure. But if Ronan just told him, then he’d know for real. It wouldn’t just be his ego or him reading the situation wrong. He’d just. . . _know_.

He really wanted to know.

“I think I get it,” Ronan said, so quietly that it was barely above a whisper.

“Get what?”

“Gansey and Blue. Why they haven’t said anything to us, and why they just talk on the phone and then sneak off together at night.”

Adam tilted his head to the side in question, and didn’t miss the way Ronan’s eyes tracked the movement, raking down Adam’s neck and then back up to his face. He shivered involuntarily, and hoped Ronan didn’t notice. “Why?” he asked.

“Because it’s easier, if it’s at night. In the dark. It’s easier to pretend that something didn’t happen. It’s easier to. . . to pretend.”

“You think they’re just pretending?” Adam said, but he didn’t really think they were talking about Gansey and Blue anymore.

Ronan shook his head. “No. I just mean. . . _fuck_. Everything feels different at night, you know? Like, nothing even looks the same. Maybe they don’t talk about it with us because it doesn’t even feel real to them. It happened at night, so it might feel like it didn’t even happen at _all_. Fuck, I don’t even know if I’m making sense.”

“No,” Adam said, maintaining the hushed tones they’d adopted. “No, I get it. Like, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

Ronan let out a breathy little laugh; Adam felt it on his face. They were so _close_. “Yeah, Parrish. Kinda like that.”

Adam found himself leaning in further, and his eyes dropped to Ronan’s lips involuntarily. Ronan had seen, he must have, and he did the same.

“If it happened in the dark, it’s like it didn’t happen at all,” Adam whispered, paraphrasing Ronan’s point that he’d already made. His eyes started to close.

“It did though,” Ronan said suddenly, and he leaned back, looking quietly furious with himself. Or Adam. It was hard to tell with Ronan sometimes. “It still happened.”

Adam reared back, stung, but then his immediate feeling of rejection dissolved into shame, because Ronan was right. Things might _feel_ different in the dark, different enough that you could trick yourself into thinking it was a dream; that it never really happened. But it _did_. And Adam couldn’t do that to Ronan; couldn’t kiss him in the imagined safety of the otherworldly feeling of nighttime and then pretend nothing had happened the next day. Ronan deserved better.

 _Adam_ deserved better.

When he kissed Ronan, he wanted it to be undeniable. Unignorable. Something you couldn’t sweep under the rug.

He shifted back and got to his feet, Ronan watching him warily. “I’m going to get some water,” Adam said. “Do you want anything?”

Ronan shook his head and Adam left without another word.

He took his time in the kitchen/bathroom to calm his heart and compose himself, before filling a glass and returning to Ronan’s room, by which time Ronan had laid back down and turned over, now with his back to Adam, tattoo on display in all its glory.

Adam settled himself back down on the airbed, wrapping himself up in the blanket and pressing his face briefly into the pillow Ronan had thrown him earlier. One from his own bed. It smelled like him.

“Goodnight, Ronan,” Adam said. He hadn’t been gone long enough for Ronan to have fallen asleep, but he didn’t immediately answer. And that was okay; Adam would let him pretend he was asleep if that’s what he needed right now.

But then he did reply, a murmured, “’Night, Adam,” into the darkness around them.

Adam closed his eyes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> *forgot to mention that the title's from Better in the Dark by Say Lou Lou. 
> 
> a day will come when I don't name fics after songs...today is not that day.


End file.
